Gender Non-Conformity: Resources

The following is just a partial list of some resources for parents of gender nonconforming children. You might also want to download my list of fiction and nonfiction books for children that touch on gender diversity.

Gender Spectrum
(510) 788-4412
email: info@genderspectrum.org
genderspectrum.org

Gender Spectrum provides education, training and support to help create a gender sensitive and inclusive environment for all children and teens.

Welcoming Schools
Human Rights Campaign Foundation
(202) 628-4160
email: welcomingschools@hrc.org
welcomingschools.org

Welcoming Schools, a program of the Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s Children, Youth and Families Program, is an LGBT-inclusive approach to addressing family diversity, gender stereotyping and bullying and name-calling in K-5 learning environments.

Gender Diversity
1-855-4GENDER
email: info@genderdiversity.org
genderdiversity.org

Gender Diversity increases the awareness and understanding of the wide range of gender variations in children, adolescents, and adults by providing family support, building community, increasing societal awareness, and improving the well-being for people of all gender identities and expressions.

Camp Ten Trees
(206) 288-9568
email: info@camptentrees.org

Camp Ten Trees is a loving and engaging youth camp environment for LGBTQ communities and their allies in Washington State. In addition to typical camp activities, campers engage in age-appropriate workshops exploring identity, issues of oppression/privilege, youth coalition building, social justice, and more.

STOMP Out Bullying
(877) 602-8559
stompoutbullying.org

STOMP Out Bullying is the leading national anti-bullying and cyberbullying organization for kids and teens in the
U.S. They focus on reducing and preventing bullying, cyberbullying, and other digital abuse, and educating against homophobia, racism in schools, online and in communities across the country.

PACER’s National Bullying
Prevention Center
(888) 248-0822
email: bullying411@pacer.org
pacer.org/bullying

PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center actively leads social change so that bullying is no longer considered an accepted childhood rite of passage. They provide innovative resources for students, parents, educators and
recognizes bullying as a serious community issue that impacts education, physical and emotional health, and the safety and well-being of students.

Halloween Treat

Author Lori Duron’s son C.J. in his costume.

Happy Halloween!
At first glance, Halloween would seem to be a great opportunity for kids to dress up however they want, without raising any eyebrows. For families adjusting to life with gender nonconforming children, the relief of Halloween must be a no-brainer, right?

Sometimes not. I’d like to share with you a story from Lori Duron’s blog about her family’s experiences at Halloween. Lori is the author of the book Raising My Rainbow and the popular blog of the same name that tells of her family’s adventures raising what she calls a “gender-creative” son. C.J. likes girl stuff, but not always. C.J., as Lori puts it, “floats on the gender-variation spectrum from super-macho-masculine on the left all the way to super-girly-feminine on the right. He’s not all pink and not all blue. He’s a muddled mess—a rainbow creation.”

Sometimes, when we read or hear stories from parents, husbands, or wives willing to share their experiences with their gender nonconforming child, or their spouse who hid their sexual orientation behind a marriage, we may wonder would we be so calm and fair-minded if we were in their shoes? We forget that their adjustment likely didn’t happen overnight, we just haven’t been privy to the whole process. Because it’s only when people reach a point of peace and acceptance that they are able to tell their stories, and that’s a blessing to the rest of us.

This is one of those stories, and it’s a good reminder to be kind with ourselves and our fellow travelers in life. Rash judgements serve no one. Some things just take time.

My Son Chooses to Be Alice in Wonderland”
by Lori Duron
originally published in The Atlantic, October 31, 2013

 

“B” Featured in ParentMap!

I’m excited to announce that “B” has gotten some great press in the Seattle metropolitan area. Elizabeth Ralston interviewed me for ParentMap, a smart, trusted, resource for Puget Sound–area parents. The story is featured online here in Elizabeth’s column “Doing Good: Small Acts for Big Returns.”

Elizabeth is a writer with a public health background who writes about topics on philanthropy, including profiles of inspiring people and organizations on her own blog, The Inspired Philanthropist. When she is not writing, she enjoys spending time in the great outdoors with her family. You can follow her on Twitter at @esralston and reach her at elizabeth.s.ralston@gmail.com.

Thank you Elizabeth for helping B reach a wider audience!

Mr. J’s Civil Rights

Teachers can play a huge role in throwing out gender boundaries in ways big and small but it can only happen with the active support of families, school administrators and the community.

Park Day School, a private elementary school in Oakland, California, was one of the early leaders in this effort. In 2005, Park Day had already stopped asking children to line up according to sex when walking to and from class. Boys were welcome to play girls and girls play boys in school plays, and a unisex bathroom was added to every floor.

In fact, in an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, Admission Director Flo Hodes is noted as being a bit apologetic that she even still balanced incoming classes by gender. (A similar issue addressing trans students was recently profiled in the New York Times on the college admissions level at Wellesley College.)

Park Day’s changes didn’t happen overnight, but it would never have happened at all had the school not been open to viewing gender-neutrality not as a threat but instead as a proactive way to end discrimination and violence caused by gender stereotyping.

In some cases, schools have had no choice but to pay attention. In California, for example, the Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 prohibits discrimination and harassment in public schools on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.

And teachers can be critical in carrying out this mandate, even in the youngest grades.

Here’s a sneak preview of how Mr. J—the teacher B was hoping to have in second grade—makes sure everyone in his class feels safe.

Mr.J’s Civil Rights*

I HAVE A RIGHT TO LEARN ABOUT MYSELF IN THIS ROOM.
This means that I will be free to express my opinions without being interrupted or punished.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY AND TO BE TREATED WITH
COMPASSION IN THIS ROOM.
This means that no one will laugh at me or hurt my feelings.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF IN THIS ROOM.
This means that no on will treat me unfairly because I am different.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO HEAR AND BE HEARD IN THIS ROOM.
This means that we will listen when someone is talking. No one will yell, scream, shout,
or make loud noises.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SAFE IN THIS ROOM.
This means no one will hit, kick, push, hurt or bully me in any way.

 * with special thanks and appreciation to the “real” Mr. J

Are You Grace or Mia?

It’s time to meet Mia.
In my story “B in the World” Mia is B’s nemesis and a bully. So you may ask—do I really want to meet her? Well, yes. Because Mia is only seven years old. If we were talking about adolescent bullying, that’s a whole other scenario. Are we really going to give up on Mia this early?

Mia has a lot of things happening at home that are making her act out. She spends most of her time at home alone—in fact, it seems to Mia that her parents are either pay no attention to her at all, or else they are so overly attentive that she feels suffocated. Sometimes it just seems easier to boss the kids at New Horizons School around rather than to work things out. At least that way, somebody notices her.

Bullying of all kinds, not just bullying of gender nonconforming kids, grows out of fear and frustrations in the bully’s life. Over attention, neglect, poverty or extreme wealth can sometimes all produce the same results. ANd before it spirals out of control, children need to be taught about bullying in early elementary school. They need to learn all the different forms bullying can take, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully.

For young children, here are some simple ways to explain about bullying:

• A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don’t want to do.
• A bully is somebody who hits other people.
• A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people’s property.
• A bully is someone who calls other people names.

Bullying is traumatizing not just for kids who are the targets, but for the child who uses bullying as a shortcut instead of developing social and coping skills. A child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people and working things out—is very hard for them. If an impulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they need help learning to deal with these feelings in an appropriate way. Parents and caregivers need to acknowledge when their children are exhibiting bullying and help them learn to take responsibility for their behavior. Then maybe a Mia can turn into a Grace.

A pretty special anti-bullying program is The Bully Project—a social action campaign inspired by the award-winning film BULLY. The program’s goal is to spread a national movement to stop bullying and change a culture of bullying into one of empathy and action. Their goal is to reach 10 million kids or more, causing a tipping point that ends bullying in America. They’re a third of the way there.
Learn more about The Bully Project here.

 

Black Boots

Guest post by Marie Hartung

“Can I have these?” my 9-yr old son says, holding up a pair of my black dress boots that I have just placed in a bag to give away to Goodwill.

He zips them on, struts up and down the hall making a clack-clack sound as his heels hit our hardwoods, and in an apparent silent decision that they both fit and are stylish, unzips them and carts them off to his room. I hear them land in his closet – into a giant bucket. Right now, the bucket includes Pinkie Pie slippers, a tiara, and chef’s shirt and apron. If he was a toddler, no one would blink at his desire to have and wear feminine things. But at 9, he’s past what most consider an “acceptable” age for gender-bending fantasies.

He shouts from his room, “Can I wear them to school?”

And we aren’t sure what to say.

On one hand, we really want him to be himself. On the other, while we fully support him being whatever way in the world that feels right to him, we know that some people he might run into—at school, on the street, in a job, might be less accepting and forgiving. How do we prepare him for this?

At home, he recently had friends he has known since birth tell him they will not be friends with him any longer because he told them once, “Inside I feel like a girl.” When I spoke to these boys’ parents, they said “We honor our son’s discomfort with your son. We won’t ask them to think or feel differently.” How do we deal with the parents, kids, and others my son encounters?

My spouse and I decided after much and frequent conversation, that we have no other important job than to support him 100% in whatever and whoever he is or wants to be. This sometimes flies in the face of our own fears and discontent. Sometimes we don’t know what to say. But say we must because our son is relying on us more than anyone else, to say words that he yet cannot. Parents are models for everything, some things matter more than others.

This matters.

We told our son that dress boots aren’t appropriate for school for boys, girls or anyone. But that we would be fine if he chose to wear them to the store or a restaurant, for example. And when he does, we are ready to be proud of our son. If we aren’t afraid, then perhaps some of the people he encounters aren’t either. This is truly what matters.

What can you do if you have a son or daughter that feels, acts,
or believes they are another gender or feels gender fluid?

1. No matter what, always tell them you love and support them, even if you feel unsure of what to say. Did you know that According to the Youth Suicide Prevention Program, more than 50% of Transgender youth will have had at least one suicide attempt by their 20th birthday? Your support and love, even if you feel unsure and afraid, will go a long way toward mitigating this statistic.
2. Be honest with your child. Different ages present different challenges with school, peers, society than others. Help them see and weigh for themselves the pros and cons of actions like wearing black women’s boots to school. Even though you want to protect your child, you must let them decide, you job is to help them make their own decisions.
3. Talk to the school and the teachers. You can be honest with administrators and school personnel too to say you don’ know all the answers, but the school has raised more kids that you. More often than not, there is someone at the school who has experienced children like yours or who have specialized training.
4. Make yourself smart. Don’t let your own lack of information, use of resources, get in the way of supporting your child.
5. Last, remember Gender is a construct. And so are clothing and hair and the like. What really matters is who your child is inside – their values, their character, what makes them shine. Whatever you do as a parent, don’t lose sight of this. Your child relies on you to see them for who they truly are.

Marie Hartung lives in Monroe, WA and is a poet/memoirist and mom of two boys, ages 9 and 11.  She has served on the Bisexuality Advisory Board of Out and Equal for the past six years. 

 

Gender Learning in the Classroom

Once children turn 5, a good chunk of their day is spent in the classroom and the social and emotional learning that happens there forms powerful habits. Welcoming Schools, a program of the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, is a huge resource for the education community, and for families, who want to encourage and support, simple proactive ways to avoid gender stereotyping, embrace family diversity and end bullying and name-calling in schools.

Some simple ways teachers and adult caregivers can begin include:

• Help students see that there are many ways to be a boy or a girl—academically, artistically, and emotionally.
• Using phrases like “Good morning, everyone” instead of “Good morning, boys and girls.”
• Group students in ways that don’t rely on gender, for example students whose last names begin with A-H or or students who are sitting in a particular part of the room. This avoid situations that force children to make gendered choices, such as “boys line up here and girls line up there.”
• Put more emphasis on the inclusive term “children.” “All children can…” rather than “Boys don’t…, Girls don’t…”

For more ideas, and a wealth of resources, visit WelcomingSchools.org

 

Pinkification

This cute picture of a toddler in a dress dates from 1884 and is featured in a Smithsonian magazine article.

According to the article, children at that time typically dressed in what was considered a “gender-neutral” outfit—frilly white dress, patent-leather shoes, and a feathery hat. Their hair was left long and uncut until age 6 or 7, the time of their first haircut.

Similarly, a Ladies’ Home Journal from June 1918 states, “The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason being that pink, a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.”

These references are compiled in the book Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America by historian Jo B. Paoletti, associate professor of American studies at the University of Maryland.

According to Paoletti, pink and blue were not promoted as gender signifiers for girl and boy babies until just before World War I, a process Paoletti calls “pinkification.”

She says resisting the phenomenon matters because, “pinkification goes beyond the use of pink for girls’ things; it also narrows the choices and excludes gender-neutral options…..It teaches and reinforces stereotypes and limits the way children perceive themselves and others.” Worst of all, it excludes children who don’t fit society’s gender molds. (Source: Parent Map)

And who’s the little toddler in the picture above?
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

 

Character Sketch #3: Rudy

Meet Rudy. Rudy and B are best buddies, so when they found out they were both going to be starting 2nd grade in Mr. J’s class, they were psyched. Except that all changed with the arrival of Ms. Hitchings.

Rudy is the smartest kid in New Horizons 2nd grade class. Science is his favorite subject of all and he’s especially fascinated with insects—all kinds—and wants to grow up to be an entomologist someday. His current favorite is Gromphadorhina portentosa.

Rudy also always knows the latest news about everything going on at New Horizons. Once, he showed B how you could put together important bits of information by paying attention to passing conversations in the hallways between teachers and parents.

Rudy especially understands how B feels when people look at him in a funny way because of his long hair, or when they notice he’s wearing pink sneakers. Rudy knows exactly what it feels like to have people take one look at you and think they’ve got you all figured out. Just ask him about all the times the cashier follows him around with his eyes when he walks into the corner candy store. Yeah, that.

Friends like Rudy who understand how unfair life can sometimes be when people quickly judge you by outward appearances are super important to a gender nonconforming child. Peer friendships can make a huge difference in helping any bullied child not feel so alone.

To find out what everybody except Rudy calls Gromphadorhina portentosa—
Donate to our Kickstarter campaign!

Thank you for your support!

 

#spiritday 10.16.2014

In honor of GLAAD’s Spirit Day and in support of Anti-Bullying Month, take a moment to watch this trailer from Welcoming Schools film “What Can We Do? Bias, Bullying and Bystanders” streaming free all month, about why all bullying must be stopped and how to begin taking steps to do so.